As I observe people from my phone, scouring over photos taken of memories forsaken in order to obtain an image that memorializes instead of extending moments, as I scroll through pointless feeds on Instagram and Facebook, I see the same things happening over and over again in the lives of people I know.
Like a basketball waiting for its routine rebound, I see friends of mine go from relationship to relationship, there’s no end in sight as most of them are in their twenties and are bound to repeat this way of life indefinitely as we all sample each other like flavors from an ice cream parlor.
For some reason, every now and then, I feel an urge to join the uneducated masses, to immerse myself in as much pleasure as I can find, but at the same time, I’m disgusted at the results that come with such an unfettered lifestyle.
There have been a few times in my life where I gave into such ideas, where I gave access to one “lucky” girl and opened the doors of possibility to another eager contestant.
It was always the same result, uncontrollable lust and unsatisfactory dynamics.
I went into it thinking that I would actually find what I looked for, but I found hollow hearts and empty skulls, there was nothing of value for me, not down here in this world we all created for ourselves.
All but one occasion, it was the girl that pushed me into these fantastical accidents, where passion was confused for proximity.
Maybe it’s the reason I’m so screwed up when it comes to the topic of dating and relationships and even friendships…
I’ll shut myself off to people and then let them in all at once but I don’t know why I do that.
Too many reasons come to mind to actually write out.
I have fallen for many girls, but never did I make a move towards them.
Instead, I let girls who liked me drag me into whatever they wanted.
They would usually flatter me, and even sometimes, they would insult me, but they were all the same, leeches on my soul, stripping me of my humanity and my compassion in exchange for momentary fulfillment.
I know that, in today’s world, it’s the men who are seen as the rapists and the thieves of time and love, but I felt like every time, I was robbed.
Even when I didn’t truly love someone who wanted me, I tried to make it work, I started to value them.
I made them important, but they never wanted what I wished to offer.
They were shallow, steering the conversation to topics that only they wished to talk about, working at persuading me that I was the person they were creating me to be.
I was the fool for thinking I could find love in catatonic husks.
I had so much hope, in all of them, but no one had the patience or the character to meet the qualifications I set for them.
They were ready to move on before I ever uttered a word of adoration.
They were good actresses, but none of them fit the part.
IF you’re asking me why I have not been in any relationships, it’s because I haven’t found anyone worth the pain it will cause.
There is no girl that will make me happy and there is no girl that I can satisfy.
I do sometimes feel as if I’m lying to myself.
I’ll find myself caught up glimpsing into a soul, and she’s attractive and alluring, but I already know her intentions and they are poison.
So, what do I have against relationships?
I only have years of regret for not acting on my feelings for those I know that it could’ve gone well with and regret from all the time wasted letting billboard girls lead me on fruitless chases.
I am sick of watching others be happy and I’m tired of pretending that I don’t want what they have, but I would have to be crazy to actually try.
Relationships today are a game, nothing more.
Everyone wants one thing or another and use other people to get it.
Some people get into a relationship to pass the time.
No matter how restless I have become over the past few years with the state of my life, I would never allow myself to pull someone else into this mess nor would I allow myself to use someone as a means to elevate myself out of the dried mud that I’ve woken up under morning after morning.
I never want to be the person who sacrifices another person’s peace of mind and calm lifestyle on the altar of my chaotic nature.
Some people date to feel the contentment of mattering to somebody, but that only gives you a fragile heart.
Every person is bound to leave at some point in your life and if the people that give you meaning leave, then who do you become?
I would rather base my value on something I am than what someone else thinks I am.
And look, maybe in a few years my life will change and my perspective will alter, but right now, I cannot be hanging out with people that have broken my heart, no matter how many times I pretend like it never happened.
I feel agony when I put space between another, but it’s a necessary discomfort to prevent an irreversible hemorrhage of the heart.
This isn’t the poetry I wished to write, nor is it the message I wanted to share, but right now, it’s what I have.
Maybe one day, I’ll find what I’ve always been looking for, but for now, I’m done casting my nets for every bubble that rises from the deep.