So, around 1:30 this morning, I went to post something on my Instagram and then started writing what I felt was an explanation for the post. It turned out being over 500 words, so I decided to put it on the blog instead of forcing everyone to rummage through it on a simple social media page. So, here it is coming from a more content and self-assured Isaac:
There’s not many people in my life like this; most come in with a grandiose entrance and then will leave in a sudden and quiet instance and there’s something about that that has always bugged me.
How could you come into someone’s life like a heavy rain and then leave like morning dew?
It’s not right.
I hope that I’ve never been that kind of person or instigated that sort of response from anybody… Can I admit something?
I’ve been abandoned by so many friends that it’s caused me to not really want to allow anybody to be near to me.
I take all of my relationships very seriously and whenever I lose just one person, it feels like I’ve had my heart ripped out of me.
Over the past few years its happened again and again, where I got close to someone only to have them walk out of my life.
I have this innate action to reach out to people and invite them to share an existence with me, but I’ve lost a bit more of that desire each time someone decided to vanish.
Add on every trouble I’ve had over the past few years that made me believe that trouble followed me like a curse and you have one very afraid and broken twenty-something young adult.
Because of the lack of close friends in my life, I’m not gonna lie, its been tough, but it felt necessary in order to keep me away from diving deeper into my habit of isolating myself.
It seems self-defeating, but I promise that I did it to stop allowing people to hurt me.
I trust a little too easy and I open up a little too fast, so before someone starts to condemn me for my new stance of being a hermit, understand that you were nowhere to be found when I needed you, so I came to this conclusion because I had to.
Did I lose track of myself many times of the course of these past few years?
I had no one to practice normality with, so I changed drastically every few weeks.
I, right now, feel almost as a completely different person as compared to earlier this year, let alone last year.
I, at times, felt unable to do simple things and some nights I felt the beginning stages of mental illness coming on as I observed strange thoughts and behaviors coming out of me.
However, I recovered one day at a time until those days became weeks and soon enough, I started being able to look into people’s eyes again without it hurting and being able to laugh and smile without it feeling uncomfortable and forced.
I finally feel freedom jotting down thoughts instead of feeling the same petrified stiffness a man feels while walking on the ocean floor with lead weights tied around his feet.
I would say more but you had no idea that state of mind I have been in or the situations I’ve been caught up in, so I won’t go on about it much longer.
Just know that, I’m back to feeling okay again. I’ve gotten over a lot of things that were holding me back and I’m planning on staying this way.
It doesn’t mean that I’ll be hanging out with you, even if I want to.
My life is still difficult and I still have issues, but my future is coming back into view and I am finally passing the first few mountains in this range.