(In)Action

Newton’s Law of Motion, which just happens to be his first law, states that, “every object persists in it’s state of rest or uniform motion in a straight line unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed upon it”.

I have spoken that law out loud to myself so many times just so it can be used as an agent to get myself to work harder and faster every day.  I figured that if I did more, I could do more later that day and the next day and the next week and so I kept pushing the envelope, so to speak, just so I could send a few more letters every day.

I kept quoting Isaac Newton, not because I like people who share my name, but because I wanted to do more.

For a long time, I’ve watched my productivity levels outside of my work continue to plummet, not because I am innately lazy, but because I actually get so stressed out that I can’t do anything at all.

The thing is, I’ve spent years of my life (three to be exact) working away to deal with problems that aren’t mine and I’ve watched every aspect that made me me, slowly crumble away.

From my faith and social skills to my musicality and creativity, I’ve watched myself deteriorate from the inside, but I convinced myself that I was doing it for the good of my future and of my family’s future.

So, I’ve worked and worked, pushing aside the things my heart longed for and the things my mind needed and I essentially became the shell of who I worked so hard to become in the past.

As I went to lay down every night, I found myself restless knowing that I wasn’t who I had set myself up to be.

I know that throughout most of my life, I never really fit into a certain social circle, but I had no trouble approaching anyone and just being apart of anything and now… I can’t seem to feel comfortable even when I’m by myself.

General unrest has captured me and it doesn’t seem to want to let me loose.

The worst part is, I’ve worked against myself for the past three years, pushing myself into the corner of my mind and literally in the corners of the places I’ve worked.

I can say I’ve never felt as isolated and alone as when I’m staring at walls splattered with bits of food and trash.  The smells engulf me and the harsh sounds drown out my thoughts and I get home and wonder why I can’t think in a linear way anymore.

If you spend weeks without looking into yourself, into your mind, one day you’ll wake up and look in the mirror to find a very bewildered stranger starring at back you, or at least that’s how it worked for me.

It’s horrifying, you know, to not know if you still have anything left within you to give out.

Last summer, I wondered if I was really as necessary as I once thought.  I knew that I had friends and that I had a family, but I just couldn’t recognize anything anymore.  Maybe the fact that I lost a great friend to suicide earlier that year or that I was having an increasing problem with communication that was pushing me to that place, but I got through it.

I found my purpose and although it’s been hard trying to actually place my feet on the ground enough to push back at all the forces trying to impress upon me.

You know what helps?  Finding an opponent.  Having an enemy to fight, having a war to wage, gets you past existential questions and back to living.  Oh, how I’ve missed living.

Do I not get moments where I completely doubt myself and wish I was back to energetic, optimistic and creative Isaac? Yeah, I do. But, wishing and hoping never got anyone anywhere, so for the sake of progress, I’m not going to keep looking back.

That being said I want to implore you to earnestly look inside yourself and to ask yourself why you do the things you do.  If you don’t have a solid answer, then you need to re-evaluate yourself.  Give yourself a reason to do things, a reason to live and a reason to get up and work.  If you can’t find one at all, then change what you do or how you live.  

The goal of life is not just to live, but to enjoy the people in your life and the things you do because those things make up life, without them, there is no life.  Life is not just something that sprouts out of the ground, but is created from someone doing something.  You can’t get a job by laying in bed and you can’t get into a relationship by avoiding people (note to self: stop doing that).  

All your battles have to be fought eventually, so start by facing yourself and choose who you want to be.

I actually named this post thing (in)action because I feel as if I’ve been in a state of inaction, but I am trying to stay in action because I know that if continue to act, than I will be more likely to act again.   For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action so, I must keep on.

There’s a lot more that I want to say, but this blog was never supposed to be something that is as professional and refined as my mind wants it to be, it’s meant to be something that just introduces me to this format and you to accepting me as a writer instead of just another bystander observing life.

My aim, with this, is to better understand my life and hopefully, allow you to take a journey with me.  

I’m really out of shape, writing-wise because I haven’t really written anything in over a year, so bear with me.  Also, thanks for reading this.  

I really need all the support I can get to push me to become better, so if you want to show me that you read this, that would be great.  

Criticisms and compliments are all welcome because what I really need in my life is interaction and writing.

 

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